bad puns bitch

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I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

(via pizza)

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when i came out to my dad he was like ‘honey i don’t care if you fuck girls lord knows i’ve sucked a lil dick in my time’ 


dad no

i can’t wait to tell my dad that he’s famous on the internet for sucking cock i’m sure he’ll be thrilled

(via howtobebreefordummies)