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when i came out to my dad he was like ‘honey i don’t care if you fuck girls lord knows i’ve sucked a lil dick in my time’ 


dad no

i can’t wait to tell my dad that he’s famous on the internet for sucking cock i’m sure he’ll be thrilled

(via howtobebreefordummies)

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i was trying to open a pickle jar and it fell and shattered on the floor and there was pickles and glass and juice everywhere and i slow turned to my cat and whispered “well we sure do find ourselves in a pickle here” then stood there laughing alone in a dark house illuminated by the fridge light while surrounded by my disaster 

(via dutchster)